That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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