plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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