First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
