Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
