first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
