just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
