My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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