i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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