omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
