I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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