Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
