you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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