So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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