do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize