Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
