Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
