I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize