apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
