During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize