I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize