I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
