Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
