9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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