her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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