god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
are you so shy because you have an std?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
