we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize