I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
