Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
