I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
