i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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