You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
