hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize