The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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