just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
