it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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