How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
