OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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