I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
