I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
