I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
