I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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