wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
