I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
