I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
love makes seman taste better
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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