im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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