Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
