I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
