As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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