the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
