Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
