I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
