I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
