i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Green mimosas i think yes
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
