There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
