dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
