I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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