why didn't you poke me back
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
