It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
