It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
