the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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